When meeting with a new divorce client, I encourage them to think about what they want in a good long-term outcome. In the words of the late management guru Stephen Covey, best-selling author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Begin with the End in Mind.”
Starting the process of divorce can be scary
In fact, stress can overwhelm the brain at this time. Anxiety triggers the fight or flight nervous system response, impairing cognitive function. When you’re experiencing anxiety and a plethora of other feelings (e.g. hurt, anger, disappointment, guilt, betrayal, or even shame), it is virtually impossible to think long-term.
Apply emotional intelligence to your divorce process
However, I do not tell clients to leave their feelings out of the process. Instead, I recommend that they work with a good mental health professional to help them process their feelings; this enables them to apply both their rational mind and their intuitive mind to the decision-making process. Indeed, feelings can be an important indication of what one’s core values and needs are. But, in order for those feelings to be a useful part of the process, they need to be acknowledged and understood.
Work toward a better long-term outcome
When one is in psychological pain, it is tempting to decide that what one needs is “a lawyer who will fight for me in court.” However, after more than 40 years as a divorce attorney, I can tell you that most clients would be better served by an attorney who doesn’t exacerbate the conflict. To be sure, in cases where there is abuse, an overwhelming power imbalance, untreated substance abuse, or severe mental illness, litigation in court may be necessary. But most divorces would have better long-term outcomes through a thoughtful negotiation process rather than a battle.
For more information on the healthy application of emotions in the divorce process, I recommend a book by Katherine Miller, one of my collaborative divorce colleagues, The Emotionally Savvy Divorce: Smart Negotiations for a Clean Break.
