Let’s say you have decided to get a divorce and that the collaborative divorce process makes the most sense to you. For the collaborative process to work, both you and your spouse need to engage your own collaborative attorneys.
So, what’s the best way to get your spouse to consider a collaborative divorce?
Ideally, involve your spouse when you are exploring the options of litigation, mediation or collaborative. We all are much more likely to “buy in” to an idea if we feel that we discovered it.
You can mention to your spouse that you have learned that collaborative divorce is cutting edge; when people in the know – like divorce lawyers, financial professionals, and therapists – are facing a divorce in their personal lives, they “go collaborative,” so they can get its benefits.
Here are some of the benefits of a collaborative divorce:
• It usually is less expensive than a traditional adversarial divorce.
• It takes into account the needs and interests of both spouses and their children.
• It deals with conflict in a respectful and healthy way, minimizing emotional damage to all involved.
• Your spouse and you are in the driver’s seat, rather than being driven by lawyers or a judge.
• Your spouse and you each have the right to reject any proposal.
• It protects your children from being caught in the middle of conflict between the two of you.
• It makes it more feasible for the two of you to have a cordial relationship in the future.
• Collaborative lawyers are committed to settling your divorce; therefore, they don’t approach the negotiations in an adversarial manner.
Even if your spouse has already engaged an adversarial divorce lawyer with no training in collaborative, you can do your best, in a very respectful way, to “make the case” for collaborative. Explain its benefits for both of you and for your children; ask him/her to consider discharging the adversarial lawyer and asking for a refund.
If you’re not comfortable talking with your spouse about the advantages of collaborative, consider the following approaches:
• Share some written material about collaborative. If you have met with a collaborative lawyer he/she can give you some brochures. There is also material available online, including the website of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals: www.nyacp.com.
• An excellent book that you may want to give to your spouse is The Collaborative Way to Divorce, by Stuart Webb (the founder of collaborative divorce) and Ronald Ousky.
• Enlist the help of your marriage counselor or clergyperson or someone else that your spouse trusts and respects.
If the above strategies don’t work, you may want to ask your attorney to write a letter to your spouse explaining how the collaborative process works.
This article owes some of its content to Stu Webb and Ron Oursky, who recommend some of the ideas above in their book, The Collaborative Way to Divorce, published by Plume, a division of Penguin Books.
© Copyright Arnold D. Cribari 2015
