In my 35-year career as a divorce attorney, I have encountered some individuals – clients or the partner on the other side in a divorce – who were extraordinarily difficult. People who seemed to be in the divorce for the fight. People for whom “winning” was the sole consideration – at the cost of depleting their assets (“I’d rather go broke paying you [the attorney] than let my spouse get a penny.”) or – even worse – using their children as pawns in the conflict with their spouse.
Don’t get me wrong. The stress of a divorce often brings out the worst in people. The pain of rejection can cause even the most rational and/or kind person to be overcome with anger. But fortunately, most people seem to be able to step back from their anger long enough to look at financial issues rationally and to behave in the best interest of their children. Not so, the difficult people I described in the prior paragraph.
When I began training in collaborative divorce and mediation some 15 years ago, I attended a seminar on dealing with “difficult people” in divorce. I learned that many of the difficult people I described above are narcissists. (And I realized that our adversarial court system rewards these people!)
One of the benefits of my collaborative training and of belonging to a collaborative practice group, is that I have learned so much from the mental health professionals involved in collaborative practice. They teach ways of dealing with narcissistic people. I have been able to use these strategies – not just in my collaborative and mediation practice – but also in court-based divorces.
This NEW YORK TIMES interview with family therapist Karyl McBride provides some valuable information for dealing with a narcissist spouse in a divorce: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/08/24/divorcing-a-narcissist/
