This is a continuation of my prior blog on the dos and don’ts of divorcing a narcissist.
A collaborative divorce can be an effective method for divorce from a narcissist because there are conflict resolution professionals involved in the process. This may seem counterintuitive, but collaborative doesn’t mean you cave to the demands of the narcissist.
Attorneys with conflict resolution training can bring artful negotiating skills into the process. Very few litigation-oriented attorneys have conflict resolution training. Moreover, when utilizing the collaborative interdisciplinary model (i.e. including mental health professionals as coaches) you have four professionals involved who have finely honed communication skills.
Narcissists Have Blind Spots
Micki McWade, LCSW, a collaborative divorce coach and licensed psychotherapist says, narcissists need reassurance because they have blind spots that prevent them from perceiving the situation rationally. Moreover, they are incapable of understanding that their spouse has legitimate needs and concerns that differ from theirs.
Ms. McWade says that it is important not to show frustration or annoyance with the narcissist. Instead, reassure him, by telling him that it’s going to be okay, and what we are doing in this divorce negotiation is normal.
Initially, the narcissist wants to be liked by the attorneys and coaches on the team. However, when they don’t get what they want, the narcissist may become hostile, unwilling to further participate in the collaborative divorce, and be uncooperative.
Empathize without Agreeing
Again, when that happens, Ms. McWade reiterates that it is important to listen to the narcissist, empathize with her without necessarily agreeing with her settlement proposal, which may be utterly unfair. Continue to reassure the narcissist, thank her, and be respectful and gentle, without giving in to her unreasonable demands. (One is reminded of the classic advice to parents about dealing with a child having a temper tantrum: “Be firm, but kind.”)
One of the publications recommended during Micki McWade’s presentation is an online article A Field Guide to Narcissism by Carl Vogel. This article mentions a few techniques that can help one cope with a narcissist:
- Butter him up, try flattery, a time-honored way to manipulate a narcissist.
- Let him be the center of attention. The narcissist’s immunity to self-doubt means that – unlike the rest of us – he isn’t afraid to be the center of attention. The narcissist is very happy in the moment of glory. “It has to be glory though. He is not going to be a team player.”
- Be clear on the quid pro quo. When a narcissist is in charge, he will feel no compunction asking for a lot and providing very little in return.
- Don’t cross him. Entirely dependent on others’ opinions, a narcissist can act like a cornered animal if he or she feels threatened. If you have to tell a narcissist he isn’t doing a good job, do it gently, and be prepared.
- Keep a sense of humor. One upside is narcissists can be entertaining, if you keep a sense of perspective.
For the complete article, A Field Guide to Narcissism, click here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200601/field-guide-narcissism
Above all, don’t take anything a narcissist says personally. When dealing with a narcissist, it’s definitely not about you.
© Arnold D. Cribari 2022
