When one of the spouses in a divorce is a narcissist, negotiations are especially challenging.
As a member of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals (NYACP), I have the benefit of learning from colleagues on a regular basis. At a recent NYACP meeting, Micki McWade, LCSW, gave a presentation on Narcissism and Addiction as Common Themes in Marriage that Lead to Divorce. A licensed psychotherapist, Ms. McWade is also a divorce coach, i.e. a mental health professional who provides support and advice to a divorcing spouse. For more about divorce coaches, click here: https://www.westchesterdivorcelawyer.com/divorce-coaches-in-collaborative-divorce/
At the outset, it is important to keep in mind that Ms. McWade said that we all have some degree of narcissism. Also, I have found that many people with little knowledge or experience in dealing with narcissism, rush to judgement and are quick to label their spouse as a narcissist.
The purpose here is not to condemn and punish the narcissist or anyone else, but to share some ideas about how best to cope with the narcissist, particularly when divorcing him or her.
The portion of Ms. McWade’s presentation on how to manage a narcissist provided practical advice for pre-empting conflict when communicating with a narcissist. For more information on Ms. McWade’s work, click here: https://thedivorcecoach.com/what-i-do
Practical Advice for Dealing with a Narcissist in a Divorce
Until the settlement agreement in the divorce is signed, it is important that the following be kept in mind:
1. If the non-narcissist spouse is financially dependent, avoid antagonizing the provider (the narcissist) intentionally;
2. Be cordial and cooperative when possible;
3. A narcissist can always out-nasty a non-narcissist;
4. A narcissist wants to look good in front of the professionals and can be embarrassed into doing the right thing.
5. Try to stay calm. An example of how to respond calmly when the narcissist insists on discussing something immediately – “I’m sorry I can’t talk about this now, but I can do so tomorrow.”
6. Be nice, be gentle, but you don’t have to take crap from a narcissist;
7. Thank the narcissist for any small thing that they do correctly, e,g, “thank you for taking the kids to the ball game, that was good.”
Phrases to use with a narcissist:
• “we can do things to keep things calm at home.”
• “we need to do this to get the case resolved.”
• “we need to keep things okay/normal, for the sake of the kids.”
• “this is the law, this is what we have to do.”
• “we know you want to do the right thing, so we just need to work things out and reach a settlement.”
• “If you do this (such as pay child support), your children will know you are a generous man.”
In short – try not to take anything the narcissist says personally.
A narcissist’s problem is within themselves – not a problem within you.
Our next blog will detail additional tips for dealing with a narcissistic spouse in a divorce.
© Arnold D. Cribari 2022
