Westchester Divorce Lawyer – Arnold D. Cribari

Category: Collaborative Divorce

When Divorcing a Narcissist: Part 2

This is a continuation of my prior blog on the dos and don’ts of divorcing a narcissist. A collaborative divorce can be an effective method for divorce from a narcissist because there are conflict resolution professionals involved in the process.  This may seem counterintuitive, but collaborative doesn’t mean you cave to the demands of the narcissist. Attorneys with conflict resolution training can bring artful negotiating skills into the process. Very few litigation-oriented attorneys have conflict resolution training.  Moreover, when utilizing the collaborative interdisciplinary model (i.e. including mental health professionals as coaches) you have four professionals involved who have finely honed communication skills. Narcissists Have Blind Spots Micki McWade, LCSW, a collaborative divorce coach and licensed psychotherapist says, narcissists need reassurance because they have blind spots that prevent them from perceiving the situation rationally. Moreover, they are incapable of understanding that their spouse has legitimate needs and concerns that differ from … Read More...

When You’re Divorcing from a Narcissist – Part 1

When one of the spouses in a divorce is a narcissist, negotiations are especially challenging. As a member of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals (NYACP), I have the benefit of learning from colleagues on a regular basis. At a recent NYACP meeting, Micki McWade, LCSW, gave a presentation on Narcissism and Addiction as Common Themes in Marriage that Lead to Divorce. A licensed psychotherapist, Ms. McWade is also a divorce coach, i.e. a mental health professional who provides support and advice to a divorcing spouse.  For more about divorce coaches, click here: https://www.westchesterdivorcelawyer.com/divorce-coaches-in-collaborative-divorce/ At the outset, it is important to keep in mind that Ms. McWade said that we all have some degree of narcissism. Also, I have found that many people with little knowledge or experience in dealing with narcissism, rush to judgement and are quick to label their spouse as a narcissist. The purpose here is not … Read More...

Divorce in the Time of Omicron

The surging Omicron variant of the Coronavirus is causing us to retreat into early pandemic-mode. If you’re a New York State resident considering a divorce at this time, you may have concerns about in-person meetings and court hearings. Mediated divorces and collaborative divorces can be handled safely, contagious variant notwithstanding. Having mastered Zoom in the early stage of the pandemic, I can assure you that it’s possible to conduct negotiations virtually in a New York divorce. Indeed, one positive thing to come out of the pandemic is that – with the now common use of virtual meeting technology — the two spouses and the attorney(s) involved in a divorce settlement process needn’t be in close geographic proximity to negotiate a settlement. Even divorce papers can be executed and signed by a notary using virtual technology. However, for those who prefer in-person meetings, I have a large conference room in my … Read More...

Postnuptial Agreement: Can It Help Save The Marriage?

Are you hurt because your spouse cheated on you? That triggers a divorce for many people. If you have been hurt this way, it is perfectly understandable if you are considering a divorce. Earlier this year a marriage counselor recommended that a woman, living in an affluent suburb of Westchester County, contact me to help her with a Postnuptial Agreement. Although her husband cheated on her, she did not want a legal separation or a divorce. In fact, she was optimistic that her marriage could be saved and that a Postnuptial Agreement could help her accomplish that. What is a Postnuptial Agreement? It is similar to a Prenuptial Agreement except that instead of making it prior to the marriage, it is made after the marriage. Both Agreements are similar in that they commonly provide for the following in the event of a divorce : (a) protect the existing assets and … Read More...

New York Divorce: Choose Your Divorce Lawyer Carefully

Are you a New York State resident considering a divorce? Buyer beware! As mentioned in my last blog, if your divorce is not a genuine emergency, avoid the Charon-like* divorce lawyer who will unnecessarily subject you to the tortures of the damned at your great expense. The good news is that there are other New York divorce lawyers who take a different approach. At the initial consultation, they will explain all of the divorce process choices including mediation and collaborative law. Instead of unnecessarily rushing off to divorce court, these peacemakers will help you make an out of court divorce settlement consistent with your reasonable needs and interests, and those of your children and spouse. Not only will such a divorce settlement save you tons of money, it will also greatly increase your chances of having a good aftermath to your divorce, which could be a priceless benefit. Think about … Read More...

New York Divorce: Don’t Start by Filing in Court

In New York State, only divorces involving genuine emergencies should start by filing in Court. In Greek mythology “Charon” is a mercenary ferryman who takes deceased souls across the river Styx through the gates of Hell. Charon also happens to be the larger of the two moons orbiting the planet Pluto. Being both a New York divorce lawyer and an astronomy buff, I have wondered: does my occupation make me similar to Charon? Indeed, many people will tell you that going through a divorce in the New York State court system is Hell. That said, whether a divorce lawyer is Charon-incarnate hinges on how he or she practices their profession! A Charon-like divorce lawyer will try to capitalize on the client’s matrimonial misfortune by unnecessarily and immediately filing the case in Court. This is done to justify payment of a five-figure retainer. Such a lawyer will say this filing in … Read More...

Minimizing the Damages for the Primary Breadwinner in a New York Divorce

In most, but not all, divorces, one spouse is the primary breadwinner and earns most of the family income, and the other spouse is the primary care-giver of the children. Assuming the spouse focusing on the children is doing a good job, that spouse has the right to receive substantial maintenance and child support when a New York divorce court applies the support guidelines formulas. What can the New York divorce lawyer do for the primary breadwinner client? 1. Consider an out of court divorce settlement process such as divorce mediation or collaborative divorce if the facts warrant the use of such a settlement process. Such settlement processes are almost always substantially more economical than litigation and a trial, and are better for tailoring a settlement consistent with needs and interests. 2. If a substantial part of the primary breadwinner’s income is in the form of a variable annual bonus, … Read More...

Collaborative Divorce and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

On December 7, 2017, Pauline Tesler, Esq., a California lawyer who has been a pioneer in collaborative divorce practice, gave a presentation before the New York Association of Collaborative professionals entitled “The Art and Craft of Deep Peace.” During that presentation, Pauline shared Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (“Maslow’s Pyramid”). In the context of a divorce, Maslow’s Pyramid breaks down the various needs that a spouse going through a divorce may have:                   At the base of Maslow’s Pyramid are basic needs. Basic needs include physiological needs (food, water, warmth, rest) and safety needs (security, safety). The “snake brain” is the part of the human brain hell-bent to satisfy those needs. When basic needs are threatened, they trump all other needs higher up on Maslow’s Pyramid. The snake brain is the most primitive part of the human brain. When something triggers the snake … Read More...

Divorcing Parents in Westchester County, NY: Meet Your Child’s Needs — Choose Collaborative Divorce or Mediation

With April being Autism Awareness Month, I am reminded that – for a divorcing couple who has a child with special needs – a collaborative divorce offers the best way for the parents to come to an agreement on addressing the needs of the child. About ten years ago, I worked on a collaborative divorce in Westchester County in which the couple had two children, one of whom had been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I represented the husband, and another collaborative attorney, “Lisa,” represented the wife. The parties were having heated arguments about parental decision-making. The defining moment in the case occurred at a four-way settlement conference when, after a few niceties were exchanged, the wife suddenly lashed out at the husband, exclaiming how upset she was at his criticism of her decision-making with respect to their child, and the various therapies she wanted him to undergo. Specifically, she … Read More...

In a Collaborative Divorce, You – the Client – Have the Power

I recently participated in a Collaborative Six-Way Meeting, which comprised both spouses, their lawyers, a divorce coach and a financial specialist. During this meeting, my collaborative counterpart was very aggressive. While that tactic can work in a case being negotiated through the court system, an overly aggressive attorney in a collaborative divorce is less effective. My collaborative colleague is a well-trained collaborative attorney, and well intentioned. However, she still does a lot of divorce litigation, and that affects her collaborative practice. In divorce litigation (court based), being aggressive can be very effective because of where the power lies. In litigation the power rests primarily with the Judge, secondarily with the attorneys, to the extent they can persuade the Judge or intimidate or outfox the other side. The clients have virtually no power. Indeed, during a trial the clients can only speak during the limited period of time that it is … Read More...